When Mother’s Day is tough…
Photo by Phil Hearing on Unsplash
Hey there! Gather ‘round because we are talking about how Mother’s Day isn’t all beautiful greeting cards, rainbows, and hearts for everyone…and that’s OKAY! There are many levels and reasons as to why you may not be looking forward to the second Sunday of May. And I have found that for some people, there is a sense of guilt or fear of being judged if you have a less than favorable relationship with this particular holiday (depending on your reasons for not enjoying it). But I am here to validate that like any other emotional reaction to a triggering life event, you are allowed to feel how you want and there is no right or wrong way to look at Mother’s Day. What is critical, however, is finding ways to cope. So let’s talk about some common reasons some folks feel some type of way about Mother’s Day and some strategies that can help you get through it.
You have lost your own mother. (Insert my raised hand emoji here) My mother passed away on my birthday on a hot August day in 2015. Mother’s Day hasn’t been the same since. I am here to tell you that even me being a mother to my own children has not changed that Mother’s Day is still a tough reminder that I have one less card or gift to buy and there is one less person at the table.
You are estranged from your mother. Another reason some have a troubled relationship with mother’s day is that they do not have a healthy or close relationship with their mother. The notion of mom-daughter spa dates, matching outfits, etc. is just not a thing. In some cases, it may be the total opposite: a toxic relationship that stings even more with every greeting card or holiday-celebrating ad on TV.
You lost one of your children. This is something I do not hear talked about at all! For a mother that has a lost a child, what does Mother’s Day feel like for her? The pain of the memory of what was lost and what could have been may be even more unbearable to tolerate on a day when that seems to be all of what everyone is talking about.
You feel disconnected from a biological mother because you are in a foster or adoptive family. It’s not uncommon that on Mother’s Day, some people that were not raised by their biological mother may feel a sense of sadness or grief and think more about what their life may have been if they had that connection.
So what can you do with all these feelings?
No matter what circumstance above you may fall into (or even ones that I may not have mentioned), the good news is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are many (including me) that have had to find ways to cope with Mother’s Day and those strategies have to change as our lives change. Here are some ideas:
Be honest with yourself. If you are noticing that your mood is a little more irritable, your sleep or appetite is off, or you have this tension in your body around this time of year, take a moment to have a conversation with yourself and assess if you have really allowed yourself to acknowledge if these symptoms are related to the approaching holiday. Sometimes, just having that self-awareness is half the battle in being able to better manage the stress of it all.
Remind yourself that you are not alone. The fact that you are reading this means at least one person gets it, right? :-) It’s me. That person is me. I am with you. And there are many, many others. How you are feeling is not wrong. It is real, and it is okay for you to lean into it when you need to and let out those tears or write down your feelings. Just know that you are not alone.
Remind yourself that you can have more than one emotion at once. For those that are still in some mothering role (e.g., you may have lost your mom, but you are also a mom or one of your children passed away and the others are still living), embrace the “BOTH-AND” philosophy so you can grant yourself grace. You can both love being a mom AND truly miss and grieve the mom or child you lost. Make room for both feelings and govern yourself accordingly. Maybe you decide to do the quiet dinner at home with your immediate family, or take some time in the morning to reflect, pray, or meditate to make space for your grief, anger, or sadness and then spend time with your family Do what works for you and make room for all of your emotions. You are not ungrateful, you are not a downer. You are human and allowing yourself to just be, without judgment.
Accept that this is a process and will change from year to year. When you become more aware of your relationship with the Mother’s Day holiday, you will be able to cope better from year to year. Walking down the aisle in the local store may be hard when you see all the signs and cards, but you will grant yourself more grace to have your moments, recover, and move forward. Accepting that this is one part of life that you will need some tools to manage is critical for your own wellness. Though the pain of loss never goes away, our ability to heal is not about getting over it, but finding the supportive people and practices that help us get through the tough times.
I wish you a week of self-reflection, a little more healing, moments of light and love, and I sit with you in solidarity from afar as we try to get through another Mother’s Day weekend…together.
