Helping Kids Cope with Stress
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
Hey there! Gather ‘round because we are talking about our children’s stress management this week. In just a few days from me writing this post, it will be one year since the world turned upside down. On March 13, 2020, I remember getting the call from my children’s school district that the school would be closed for in-person instruction (it was initially to only be for about one month). Now, just about a year later, so much has changed about the lives of our children. Depending on where you live as you read this, there may be more or less restrictions that are mandated (or that you continue to maintain for your own safety) related to Covid-19. But regardless of where you live, the lives of our children have been changed in a variety of ways. Read on to find out how to help your children cope with the unique stressors that specifically relate to the events of the past year.
If you are trying to figure out if your child is stressed, you can rely on your expertise about your child. You know their moods, their interests, pet peeves, etc. So if you notice significant changes or increase in triggers for any of these issues, that can be an indication of stress. Specific to the covid-19 pandemic, some youth that already had a history of depression, anxiety, or learning challenges may have seen an increase in their symptoms. Virtual learning may have been a great alternative for some learners, but a tremendous barrier for others. The anxiety and fears your child have may have worsened throughout the pandemic as concerns about exposure to the virus increased. The loss of milestones like prom, senior trips, graduations, and starting college on an actual campus may also have caused stress and depressed mood. The thing to remember is that all the reactions described here are understandable and were very common. The good news is that there are ways to help use what has happened as an opportunity to teach your children about how to cope with stress. Here are a few ideas:
ASK them how they are doing…and then ask again. It can be very difficult for children to tell us as adults how they are feeling. For younger children, they often tell us how they are feeling through their behaviors. By asking them questions, we are sending our children the message that we want to hear how they feel. Asking them about their stress or mood and how they are coping sends a signal that we notice something and we want to hear about it. And if this is part of normal conversation in the home, it builds comfort with talking about their stressors in the future.
Be a model for stress management. Our children are watching us (even when we think they aren’t). We are their first mirrors of how to be in the world. Show them how to manage stress in the moment. When you find yourself getting overwhelmed and they are around, take a few deep breaths and pause. Say a calming phrase out loud so they can hear you. Teach them how to practice deep breathing or problem solve calmly when you notice they are getting stressed out. For example, if they are frustrated because the wifi keeps cutting out and they are getting kicked out of a virtual classroom for a third time and get upset- tell them to stop for a moment and breathe. Then talk through a few strategies to problem solve. Maybe an email to the teacher or call to the school to explain the issue is one resolution. Perhaps using another device is a solution. In any case, modeling and teaching how to manage stress reinforces those skills in us as caregivers and empowers our children to respond to stress effectively.
Remind them of the boundaries within their control. Stress is often worsened when we focus on the things we have very little control over. If your child feels overwhelmed, try to clarify if the source of their stress is something within their control or not. So if it’s about their grades, they do have some control because they have to study, ask the teacher questions. etc. But in a virtual environment where the wifi can go out, or the teacher was on mute and didn’t realize it, etc., these are the parts that are outside of their control. Also, if there are fears about exposure to the coronavirus, reminding your children about the parts they can control (wearing a mask, socially distancing, washing their hands) is all they are responsible for. And add that nothing keeps anyone 100% safe, but can greatly minimize risk. Understanding where our control stops and starts can help to manage stress at any age.
Give current information, but don’t overdo it. Sometimes, kids are stressed because they are making up conclusions in their minds due to lack of accurate information. Keep them informed about school changes and plans. Reach out to their teachers about your concerns and then share with your child about how they can continue to improve. Just be careful. A hallmark symptom of anxiety is constant reassurance seeking. So once you give information to your child, you should not continue to give them the same information over and over again because that may actually fuel their anxiety.
These are just a few tips on how to help recognize and respond to youth stress in the wake of the pandemic. Just know that you are not alone and many families are helping their children (regardless of age) with the impact and continued reverb of the covid-19 pandemic. By opening up communication and building their comfort with talking about things, they are more likely to engage in proactive strategies to cope. We can’t protect our children from all of life’s roadblocks, but we can equip them with the skills to manage things when they occur. Let’s continue to do these small things so our families can get and stay well…together.
