Let’s Talk about Grief…
Hey there! Gather ‘round because we need to talk about the G-word…grief. As I type these words, I am reflecting on the life of someone the world lost this weekend- Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsberg. For years, she has affectionately been nicknamed Notorious RBG and her unyielding work ethic and exceptional output over the decades of her career has inspired so many. And I have to shout out the fact that she is also a graduate of my alma mater, Cornell University, representing the Class of 1954! Hearing of her passing triggered many thoughts for me about grief and coping with loss.
Over the past few weeks, our nation has witnessed the losses of civil rights leaders such as Rep. John Lewis, and a man who spent his career in film portraying legendary men and the incredible Black Panther, Chadwick Boseman. On all of my social media, many are going through varied degrees of grief- grief about people they did not know, and of course, grief over those they have loved and lost.
Grief is something that many of us will experience at some point in our lives. A good friend of mine relayed a quote to me recently, saying that “grief is the cost we pay for loving someone.” When someone, whether we know them or not, dies and we felt connected to them in some way, it’s normal to feel grief. But losing someone to death isn’t the only situation that can cause it.
A loss is a loss…
Grief is the deep sorrow that we sometimes feel when we lose the possibility of something or the loss of stability that once existed. And death isn’t always the source. Consider some other types of situations:
Finding out that you cannot have a biological child due to medical issues
A divorce/end of relationship
The realization that your child/loved one has a serious mental health issue or developmental disability
Being diagnosed with an incurable, progressive illness
Losing friendships
Losing a job that you really loved
The thing that all of these situations have in common is that we may feel like we are losing out on what we THOUGHT would be. We THOUGHT we would have more time with that person, more interactions, a sense of normalcy, or a dream fulfilled. And it’s painful to think of what could have been or how much our world will be different without them. That’s why you don’t always have to know the person that passed away to grieve them. People are grieving for Chadwick Boseman not just because of what he gave to us in film, but also what we feel he was going to continue to do in his life on and off screen. People are grieving Justice Ginsberg and Rep. Lewis because we know our world is forever changed because they once lived in it and it’s hard to fathom who will have their courage as we continue the journey without them.
The same is true for those we DO know. The pain of losing on the dream of parenthood as you planned it may break your heart. That friendship or romantic relationship that you thought would last forever may feel like a punch in the gut when it withers away completely. Grief is grief, and you should never feel bad about feeling it, nor should you be pushed to get over it. Loss is not something we get over. Each day, we pave a road for ourselves to get THROUGH it.
I always describe grief as a shadow that sits just in our peripheral view when it comes to walk through life with us - which it inevitably will. It’s always there and we kind of feel it, but it’s not always in full view. I think this is when people talk about how their loss is something they think about everyday, but maybe it doesn’t effect them the same way everyday.
But how can we continue to build our tolerance for this, often times, intrusive emotion?
Be kind to yourself. I tend to say this about a lot of emotional experiences but it’s because I truly try to live by it. As a psychologist, I can tell you that many people get mad at themselves for just feeling a certain type of way. First thing you need to do is acknowledge and accept that you are grieving and be slow to judge yourself. On days when our grief is front and center, just remember that the more you try to push it away, the worse it gets. A tough day is a sign for you to take care of yourself.
Get a support system. When trying to cope with grief, go to people that you know can give you the type of support you need. It may not always be the usual suspects either, like a best friend or parent. Get people that can HOLD your emotion and not PUSH you through. If they can’t tolerate someone crying, then you may need to rethink it. It doesn’t make them a bad person, just not the best person for this type of support.
Seek the help of a professional. There is nothing wrong with going to therapy to figure out how to cope with grief. You may want to go right after the reality of your loss sets in, or sporadically as you adjust to your “new normal.” Therapy is an investment of time and money, but with the right therapist, it can be very impactful in your life.
Build awareness for situations that may trigger significant grief reactions. Birthdays, anniversaries, baby showers, IEP meetings, that favorite movie you both loved on TV, or trailers for something coming up that you may not get to see- all of these and even more subtle things can cause a lot of distress when we are dealing with grief. Keep a journal or take mental notes about what types of situations may trigger you and try to develop some coping strategies to get through them. A great one is remembering to breathe and relaxing your body. Look for coping strategies that work for you.
This is such a big topic and we will definitely have to talk about this again here at The Well Family Spot. In the meantime, let’s remember that reflecting on what we lost means we had something special. We had those people, we had those dreams, we had those goals. We had hope, love, and inspiration…something that we should never let die. Let’s remember that as we continue to get and stay well…together.
