Racism, Your Kids, and Their Wellness: Part 2
Hey there! Gather round because we have to finish Part 2 of this discussion that is still just the tip of the iceberg of this conversation on how to talk to our kids about race. If you haven’t had a chance to read Part 1, you can find it here.
In Part 1, I discussed the potential outcomes that could occur if you opt out of this conversation with your children. Those outcomes can obviously be different depending on the race and age of your children and how you approach the conversation. Are you trying to scare them or inform them? Is it a little bit of both? (for some of us, we DO want our kids to have just enough fear to be alert, but not so much that their vigilance is misinterpreted for aggression- even though sometimes that still happens…but I digress.)
So what can parents, of any race, talk to their kids about race?
It’s very similar to how you talk to kids about any other topic. For Black and Brown parents, many of us have been having conversations with our children, but even then, we can always find new strategies to help them cope. For White parents, you may not have ever talked about it with your children at all! But understand this- with the increased exposure to the violent deaths of Black people that show up on social media, the nationwide focus on exposing the impact of systemic racism, and the calls for change, Black and Brown youth may be at increased risk for feeling more anxiety or even depression because of all that is going on and white children’s eyes may be opening to this issue in America for the first time. Kids may be anxious, confused, and frightened- and rightfully so! For parents that want to approach this conversation, here are a few ways to approach this and I hope this helps all of our children open up to us about this:
Find out what their perspective is. Ask your children if they have heard about people like George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Tamir Rice, Sandra Bland, etc. If they have, ask them what they have heard and talk to them about what you know and understand about it. By allowing them to share first, this helps your child guide the conversation as opposed to you taking it over.
Find out how they FEEL about the current social-political climate around race. It’s not enough to just know what they know. You need to understand if the current climate is causing significant distress. I want to emphasize that it is expected and acceptable to be upset, scared, sad, angry, or a combination of all those things in reaction to what is going on. However, if your child is so distressed that they are feeling very down for many days, withdraw from normal activities, incessantly watch the news like never before, or are watching videos of these incidents on social media repeatedly, that is when they may be experiencing something more concerning that may warrant intervention from you or a professional.
“Look for the helpers…” For children young and old, when it comes to trying to help them make sense of senseless things like racism and acts of violence and bullying as a result of racism, I am often reminded of something that Mr. Rogers referenced once. We should make sure that even as we discuss the ugly truths about racism in our country, that we also remind them of the “helpers.” In the fight to dismantle racism, I think of the helpers as people that the late Rep. John Lewis would call the people that get into “good, but necessary, trouble.” And the helpers are not just limited to prominent, well known figures in history. The helpers are those that shine a light on those that do these evil acts, they are the ones that organize protests, those that create social media campaigns to raise awareness and end hate. And remind them that some of the greatest helpers throughout history are young people!
Talk about all types of marginalized people. In light of recent events, this article is focused on racism faced by Black people and how you can discuss it with your children, no matter what race you are. But in your conversation with your kids, remind them that many racial groups have been the target of racism. Discuss the history of the treatment of Native Americans, Japanese citizens, Latinx people, and recently, the treatment of our Asian-American citizens that have faced racism about the coronavirus! The more we tell the full story, the more we show our children that we are aware. It also forces us to do something about it, because our children want to see our action, not just hear our voices.
Move from talk to action! Talk to your children about how they (with your support) can make a difference. There are countless resources online on how kids can get involved and be a part of the solution. Participate in a protest and discuss the issues more as you create signs. Find out if their schools have clubs or activities that are focusing on this new movement and encourage them to join. Read books about civil rights leaders- past and present. For Black children in particular, research has shown that their engagement in activism can improve their emotional health related to racism. Activism takes many forms, so learn about all the different ways to engage, and then do it together as a family.
Be honest! Dismantling racism is a marathon, not a sprint. The changes we seek will take time. We must have both a sense of urgency AND endurance to be a part of the change. This is the systemic equivalent of a lifestyle change and all the parts have to get in alignment for it to happen. So it’s okay to say to your children that you don’t know when or how soon things will get better, but always go back to what you can do in your little corner of the world to make a difference.
As I said this is just the tip of the iceberg on what your talking points can be with your children. But the most important thing is that you have the conversation. Don’t allow your own fear, frustration, and exhaustion from the topic result in your children trying to figure it all out on their own.
As a mother of 3 Black sons, I can tell you that these conversations are not easy or comfortable for me, and I have them anyway because the stakes are too high for me not to! I can remember being a really young child and my family openly discussing race and including me in those conversations. I remember going with my Aunt to hear Nelson Mandela speak in DC and her explaining to me what we were going to and why BEFORE we went, and making sure we understood all of what he said AFTER we left. That early exposure to talking about race made me feel that familiar mix of pride, agitation, and confusion that many Black and Brown children experience. But I believe it laid the foundation for me to be able to have those conversations with my own children now. And also, when talking about this with White parents, I often say that if the conversations feel uncomfortable, that probably means you are doing it right. Racism is not something that should ever feel like the most comfortable thing to discuss, but we must persist and do the work anyway, for our children’s sake.
This is a GREAT graphic book series that my middle schooler is currently reading- one of many great books for kids to learn about activism (not an ad, I just really love the series!).
Go online, get more information. Read lots of books, and encourage your children to do the same. Don’t be afraid, talk about it…and then talk about it some more.
Let’s continue to do the dismantling and the healing so that we can get well as a society….together.
