Racism, Your Kids, and Their Wellness: Part 1
Hey there parents! Gather ‘round because we need to talk about how to discuss racism with our children. As I write, the country is once again in the midst of bearing witness to yet another shooting of an unarmed Black man, Jacob Blake, and the reaction to it. In stunning moves, WNBA and NBA players opted not to play games and possibly cancel the remainder of seasons. Protests are still going on all over our nation. If you aren’t talking to your kids about race, the world is starting to make it hard for you not to. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has identified racism as a significant factor that contributes to inequality in health and health care for children and consider it to be a socially transmitted disease.
You can’t take apart what you don’t touch. Racism won’t end itself. We MUST talk about it with our children. But where can you start?
The answer to this may depend on how you, the reader, identify. For White parents, you may not know what to say. For Black and Brown parents, we likely have been talking to our children about this, but it’s getting tougher in these days of social media- where our children are watching and rewatching videos of people that look like them being killed at the hands of police. We aren’t able to always get out in front of their exposure and as a mom to three Black sons, this is the stuff that keeps me up at night. My oldest son is the one that came to me tonight asking why there are no NBA playoff games being played and at the time, I actually didn’t even know what he was referring to until I turned on ESPN.
From a psychological perspective, I want to be clear: every parent should be talking to their children about race, racial injustice, and prejudice in an age appropriate manner as soon as possible! There are countless books, articles, YouTube videos, etc. that offer plenty of resources on how to have these conversations. The most important thing to do is just start the conversation!
What is the impact of NOT talking to our children about racism? The answer may not be the same for all children and depends on your child’s race. Here’s a few things to consider if you opt out of this conversation (not, by any means, an exhaustive list):
They will learn about it from the internet. I know there’s irony in a blogpost saying something like that, but hear me out. Children are inundated with content on the internet and via social media that are not always from reputable sources and that expose them to very detailed and harmful information with no direction on where to go if it upsets them. Viewing videos that end in the murder or serious injury of Black and Brown people can result in vicarious trauma for children that racially identify as such. We cannot always control their exposure, but we have to be prepared and anticipate so we can respond and support them. It should never be normal or healthy to see people being murdered, shot, or beaten and we shouldn’t assume that people are just somehow going to become desensitized to it. That upset and distress goes somewhere and can often result in anxiety, depression, and trauma-like reactions in Black and Brown children. For White children without guidance from White parents who understand how to be allies, the impact could be a sense of helplessness and/or unwillingness to do anything about it.
They will miss the subtle acts of racism that can be just as psychologically harmful as overt acts. Many people think of racism as only being aggressive and hateful speech and behaviors (think cross burnings and racial slurs). But the truth is that subtle acts that are often referred to as microaggressions can be just as harmful. These are things like using a different accent or slang phrases associated with certain cultures to try to “connect” with a person from that group, touching a person’s hair as if they are some kind of museum artifact, or praising a Black or Brown person because “they speak SO WELL” as if that’s a shocker. If you aren’t talking to your children about racial prejudice and the history of racism in America, you run the risk of them not noticing those microaggressions when they happen. The result can be that Black and Brown children end up enduring them and constantly questioning if what they think just happened really happened, while White children never recognize that they are engaging in these microaggressions.
It results in a “bystander” mentality. If you don’t talk to kids about race and racism, how will they know to stand up against it when they see it happening? Yes, racism is a huge issue, but it can be dismantled, little by little. The AAP has noted that racism is harmful to the physical and emotional health of all children! Not to oversimplify this, but much like chronic bullying happens in environments where no one stands up for people being treated poorly, racism breeds and grows more dangerous when no one acknowledges or worse, denies its very existence. You can’t be an ally if you don’t even notice the problem. And Black and Brown children should not be placed in the position of having to constantly shout from the rooftops that they are experiencing racism in the hopes of being believed. In order to be an upstander and a change maker, you have to know AND notice when something occurred.
Again, there are no easy answers here because if that were the case, we wouldn’t be here. But understand, if you are a parent of a White child, their development into confident and effective allies against racism is inextricably tied to how well they can spot and stop racist acts- great and small. And if you are the parent of a Black or Brown child, their emotional wellness related to these issues is strengthened by being able to talk about it, share their feelings, and participate in activist efforts- great or small. We, as a whole, need to call out those that are hindering this movement, and call on those that want to be a part of making long-lasting and impactful change. If the AAP is right and racism is a socially transmitted disease, we can stop the spread, but it requires commitment and resolve to not allow it to infect another generation.
In Part 2 of this series on talking to kids about racism, I will discuss more about what parents can say and do. Until then, try watching these videos and share with your kids:
These 3 Proctor and Gamble videos about bias:
This video about Microaggressions
Dismantling racism helps our collective wellness. So let’s continue (or begin) the work of getting well…together.
