Avoidance is awesome…until it’s not.
Hey there! Gather ’round because I want us to chat about avoidance. In a previous post, I mentioned how a hallmark symptom of anxiety disorders is avoidance. It’s actually a pattern of behavior that shows up in other types of health issues- emotional and even medical. It’s something we all do many, many, MANY times throughout our life without even realizing we are doing it. If something is too stressful, too hard, too much work, too annoying, or too (fill in the blank here), the easiest thing to do is just NOT do it. And when we don’t, we feel relief and we move on…don’t we?
This is fine if it is done sparingly. Avoidance isn’t always a bad thing. If I need to delay something for work that is stressful, but not a pressing need, it’s fine to put it off a little while. If I know something is going to be really scary for me to do, then I can avoid doing it for as long as possible. I can opt out of tough conversations, talking about things that upset me, or making that doctor’s appointment. I can even avoid basic things like crying when I am upset, admitting I need help…the list goes on and on.
When you avoid, if you really pay attention to your mind and body, you actually feel good for a short while. But what about the long term harm that is caused by avoidance? Or what behaviors did you adopt as a means of not having to deal with things that are stressful, scary, or painful? This is where we see how avoidance is a short term fix with long term consequences. Being aware of how we avoid and why we avoid will help us to not only live more intentionally, but also may compel us to finally face what we are running from.
If avoidance has become your habit (consciously or not) to deal with things that feel too overwhelming, you are inadvertently telling yourself that you are not capable of healing, making hard decisions, or taking control over what’s troubling you. And the fact is, that is NOT true!
You ARE capable. You CAN handle difficult emotions with the right support. You CAN choose to approach rather than avoid when it’s necessary.
Admit and Prepare to Address
If you can recognize how you are ducking and dodging situations as a way of coping, or you are using things like alcohol or drugs to deal with stress or painful experiences, start by admitting to yourself that this is what you are doing. Then, decide if it’s something you know you need to stop. For example, if you are avoiding making that call to your doctor to schedule testing or lab work because you are afraid of the outcome, start thinking about the pros and cons of continuing to NOT make that call. If you are avoiding that conversation with your friend or partner about something they have done that truly hurt you because you are more concerned about their feelings than yours, think about what quality of relationships you feel you deserve versus what you are getting. If you never travel down a certain street anymore, but rather go ten minutes out of your way to get home everyday because that one street is where something really scary happened to you years and years ago, you may want to ask yourself how many other ways that traumatic experience has re-engineered your life. Once you can see how avoidance has been working in your life, you can make a clear decision on how or if you can or should change it.
Ask for help
Avoidance related to severe anxiety, trauma, or things like obsessive-compulsive disorder may need the recruitment of a therapist on your team. Check out websites like www.psychologytoday.com, www.therapyforblackgirls.com, www.psidirectory.com, or other sites that have comprehensive directories where you can search to find a therapist that meets your specific needs.
Look at the people around you in your life. Is there anyone that can be a support person for you in a role of an accountability partner? It is reassuring to have everyone tell you to just let something go, or ignore things. But sometimes you need the person that is going to text you with “did you have that talk with so and so today? You said today was going to be the day so where are we on that?” Accountability partners are helpful in making sure you reduce avoidance, and instead, approach things that are challenging in a way that feels manageable for you.
So a few last points. Remember:
Avoidance may feel awesome, but only in the short term or in situations that are not a big deal to your overall quality of life, your health, or peace of mind. It should not be you go-to coping strategy for long term solutions.
People avoid not just by opting out of facing things that are hard, but sometimes by embracing damaging behaviors to cope with the stressful, anxious, scary, or depressing feelings they are experiencing. Self-medicating with substances or engaging in self-harming behaviors are examples of how we avoid not just situations and people, but avoid actual emotions.
If this is you (and let’s be clear- at some point in life, we ALL avoid things that we really shouldn’t), it’s okay to ask for help from a licensed professional and/or enlist someone we trust as an accountability partner.
Practice approaching rather than avoiding for just ONE thing this week. Call and make that appointment, raise your hand to speak first in that meeting, jump back on that bike or treadmill and just GO (ok, that last one was for me! You all can be my accountability partner on that one!). Approaching things that are better for our health and challenge us to face difficult things builds our sense of competence and shows us we are capable of handling things and not just looking for an escape route.
Let’s keep doing the intentional work of getting and staying well…together!
